Rest In Peace Lola. Lola means grandmother in my native tongue. It's what I've called her forever. It's pretty awesome because her name is Lolita. It's like a toddler not being able to pronounce a name and cutting it short. But yeah, my grandmother passed away on Monday so I've been preoccupied. No time for school, no time for nothing.
I know this has been said alot, but I think it's funny how people mourn deaths, when it should be a celebration of life. I say that because my grandmother had ten daughters. Each of whom was a mother to the one born after. Damn, raising ten dollars is a feat, but it doesn't get too hard when you have daughters helping the bringing up of a little sister. It isn't hard at all. And when you get older, they return the favor.
I know none of this will make any really sense. It doesn't make much sense to me, but I've been looking for ways to put my feelings into words. I used to be so bitter about my grandmother's situation. So so bitter. Bitter because she needed more nurturing than I did. Bitter because she took up more of my mother's time. Bitter because she was the reason why my mom wasn't there to see me off to prom, to be there with me when I turned 18 and to celebrate me graduating highschool. Bitter because my mom worked odd jobs because she constantly needed to be around for my grandmother.
To be completely honest, I didn't know my grandmother alot when I was a kid. She wasn't around. I had my grandfather. And even though my grandfather was in a wheelchair, I didn't need anything else. We entertained each other. When my grandmother got sick, she was around more. I got to know her more. I entertained her. I made her laugh. I made her smile. She had a such a lovely smile. Had I known what I was missing out on for so long I would have asked my mom to bring my grandmother over more, when she was healthy, when she could drive her own car.
I remember when she tried to teach me how to play piano. I lost patience, and when I look back on it now, I feel like that outlined my entire relationship with my grandmother. I was always looking patience. I was so selfish, and I'm sorry. I lost patience when she got sick, regardless of always being able to make her smile, I lost patience because I felt like she was holding everything back. I'll always be sorry. I love you lola. I love you so much.
In the end, life continues on. Family will continue to grow to greater lengths. I'm sorry lola you didn't live long enough to see your first grandchild get married or to see the birth of your first great grandchild. I'm sorry that I wasn't more supportive when you health was failing. I'm sorry I only visited you once in your final months. I'll always remember you with a smile on your face so I couldn't bear to see you in that condition. Lola, I love you.
You will be missed. You will be remembered. And if by some chance someone doesn't want me up there with you, put in a good word for me.
P.S. I'll probably never be an actor in the Philippines, but I can sure as hell promise you that I will be famous, and I'll see your smile in the clouds.
I love you lola, rest in peace.
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